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|Monday, July 9th, 2012|
I'm missed you at the wedding, but I understand why you could not attend. It was just an ironic, tragic.. coincidence that your sister and I would end up having our weddings on the same day. I wish her the best.
Remember all those years ago when I was going to marry the Lieutenant? Remember when I said I would have Diyne as my best man? ..well now he truly is my best man.
My next novel will be out soon, keep an eye out for it.
Thank you for your letter.
Goodness it has been marmot's age since we've last wrote, I'm glad you still remembered my family's address. It's good to hear that you are back on Eorzaen soil, even though I know you love the ocean so dearly. I know you didn't spend a decade out there so we must get together for tea like we used to.
Diyne is well. He's been doing a bit of teaching, sometimes he goes out camping with Valin and Morin when they are in town and I am left to my own devices, been getting lots of writing done.
So my tenth novel will be published. This is an important milestone for me. I'll be sure to send you a copy if you want, autographed of course.
Journal entry X / X
That man is so worrisome! From day one when he found out I was pregnant he has been my shadow and when he is not in my face he is blowing up my pearl...
It's really sweet, but at the same time I think I may hurt him.
Journal entry X / X
I'm so big I can barely move when is this going to be over? And of course it has to be unseasonably hot. I am so uncomfortable.. I cannot wait to have this child...
7 / 23 4 ponz
A little girl,
A sweet precious little girl, her hair matches Diyne's.. and while she shares my eye color, Diyne's plainsfolk eyes are quite apparent in our daughter.
I remember our teachers telling me, they child rearing was simple and I should be able to rear my child and write in the downtime..
She is a filthy liar... there is barely, if any down time.
------ is a curious, and busy child, and if I take eyes off her a moment she has already gotten into something and gotten it all over the floor. Gods where we ever this messy.. how do you even do it?
Journal entry X / X
So here I am, pregnant again.. and my husband is just as... attentive. I thought Diyne would be calmer this time through since we've gone though it once. I was wrong.
With this second pregnancy I feel like I am even BIGGER then I was last time... am I going to have some giant baby?.. I see how tall Diyne and Morin are.. so maybe we are having a boy?
It's so hard trying to keep up with a four year old when you are this ..huge. She's calming down a bit more though.. so thank the Twelve. She like's to place her hand on my swollen belly, and exclaim "Baby!" It's adorable.
I was warned that pregnancy makes you moody... and a bit crazy.. and a few days ago I experienced this first hand. Ke was in town and Diyne took her out to get dinner, I opted not to go because I didn't feel well..
Now, even though I did not want to go out, as I sat in the house after I got ------ to sleep. I was convinced that Diyne and Ke were out there having a passionate affair behind my back... I rationalized it because still has her dancer's body and .. I am pregnant and big as a house..
2 / 9, 3 poz each
Twin boys ------- & --------
Even though I am a twin myself, I never would have guessed that I would have twins.
Little freckled faces... spitting images of Diyne.
I am at my wits end, she listens.. but she /doesn't listen/ She just wants to be with daddy.. daddy this daddy that... My little daddy's girl. And these boys... all they want to do is nurse.. I feel like a nanny goat..
One is latched to me now..
Journal entry X / X
Well.. Children are a joy, and sometimes conversations can get awkward. Tonight my daughter asked Morin why he doesn't call me mom. And while Morin explained to ------- that I am not his mother but her 'Aunt' Ke is.. all that did was confuse and upset her.
It was a long night..
Journal entry X / X
Diyne and I are on holiday, Morin and Zizira are watching the kids and we are finally getting our much deserved break. This hostel.. we got a room up on the top floor with a balcony and at night we just lay a blanket down and look up at the stars and red shattered remains of dalamu that now circle the world. It's beautiful.. it's hard to believe that we thought that would cause the end of the world.. the Garleans the primals.. all of it spelled our distructtion.. now it's all over.. we are at peace.. and have been enjoying our peaceful and quiet lives..
/ Tahrara's eyes flutter open and she sits up in bed, the weight she never lost from pregnancy, gone, her hair that she cut with the twins kept tugging at it but to it's mid back length. She looked around, she looked down at the man sleeping beside her, his hair back to it's slate colour, less gray and silver. The room, not their bed room in their house but Diyne's small room at the League headquarters. She pulled her self from the bed and looks out the window, the Red moon still huge and looming. Tahrara sighs and her tears fall onto the window frame/
|Monday, May 14th, 2012|
Last night I took my first steps back into myself. It’s difficult trying to stay aroused when you are so afraid of pain.. He helped me though it all. He was patient and gentle, even though my mind was trying to convince me otherwise.
It’s strange to be writing about this, I felt like I did when I lost my ..
I didn’t reach the peak of excitement.. my fault, not his.
I do not know when I will be ready again, but I’m glad I took this first steps and I am glad he was there to hold my hand through it.
Diyne left the house for a little while and Valin looked after me. TALE gathered and got the Chimera blood needed for Aveline’s cure.. Diyne then brought it back here so he and his father could remove the toxin and distil it…
I can honestly say it was one of the worst things I had the misfortune of smelling.
It was, of course unwise to just have the windows open. I tried to sleep but, the smell kept waking me up. The boys were in the attic so I went up to check on them.
Morin was sleeping soundly on the floor off to the side.. and the boys were rough housing over a dispute in a hand of cards they were playing.
Valin invited me to play, stakes .. of course being articles of clothing.
Ha! Best bit of luck I’ve had in a while. All I lost was my hair clip.. good thing too, I was in my sleeping garment.. Diyne on the other hand~
Today was.. today was good.
First off, well. Diyne believes that Valin is attracted to me… well that much I knew. The man had been giving me looks, and flirty comments since I’ve met him.
Diyne says he asks about me when I am not around, I don’t think Diyne appreciates it. Maybe it’s an attempt to rile him… since Valin likes to do it and Diyne seems to always fall for the older brother’s jeering.
On the other hand it is a possibility that Valin is sweet on me, honestly, I don’t know how to deal with that.. there is too many werid-ass variables, oh also not to mention… he has been going on dates with Midge.
It is in my best interest to stay the hell away from anyone she is interested in. Affection triangles? That whole mess with Gunther and Pepper all those moons ago was annoying, and I will not tolerate it.
Plus, there would be a pair of brothers involved with this…
I still don’t know how I feel about that. Having feelings for Diyne, yet then trying to date his brother… that would be odd, at least for me despite any odd, perverted dreams.
I asked Diyne how he felt about Valin, flirting with me and dating Midge. He said he was okay, he seemed okay.. I mean I can tell when he is lying.. the man has a horrible poker face.
We spoke for hours, the conversation at hand changed, we talked about his brother, then we spent the majority of time talking about.. well.. us.
How things had been changing between us, how things are still changing. How he feels about me… his fears.
How much he loves me.
I told him I loved him as well.
We spent the reminder of the night.. with shy looks and tender kisses.
Well last night we admitted that we loved each other… but what now. Does that mean we are dating, or does it just mean that we both just finally admitted it, out loud to each other.
I should just wake him up and talk to him about it, but he looks so tired. It would be cruel to wake him.. we were up pretty much all night talking.
Last night he said he was scared, but he was tired of running from his feelings, and in a way I guess it makes sense..
I was always convinced that he didn’t care for me that deeply, that I was just another conquest for him…
But the /way/ we would fight, I guess it doesn’t make sense to assume that didn’t really care for me. I was always writing in this journal about how explosive our fights were, and how mad he makes me… but I seldom talked about the things he did for me that would make my heart swell.
Mostly because I needed to distance myself… I already knew I was in love with him… and that was dangerous, I tried to quell the feelings, dwell on our arguments, disagreements, and fights so when he would inevitably say ‘goodbye’ for good, I wouldn’t be devastated.
Of course it didn’t work.
I tried devoting myself to one man, my fiancée. That had limited success… I am the one who requested that our ‘one on one’ relationship, have an open door policy. While Gunther was pleased with having me and only me, I wanted him, AND my bodyguard. The nights when Guns was tied up with Maelstrom work.. or with work in the mines, I was staying up late, laying in bed with Diyne. Enjoying his company, laying in his arms.. talking all night.. shy caresses and kisses would escalate so quickly. And while we never cheated, we never made love when we were with Gunther and Midge… we knew that our closeness would become a problem.. and what did we do? We continued like there was no issue and Midge cursed us.. what did we do after that?!
Tested the boundaries of the fucking curse by STILL spending time with each other.. kissing and making out despite buck teeth and forked tongue.
I’m scared of what is going to be said when he wakes up.. . both outcomes are terrifying . The worst outcome would be him telling me he didn’t mean it, and that we should just remain friends or bodyguard and ward.
The other option would be for us to start a relationship.
Things didn’t work out with Gunther… now I am a disgraced woman.
Even though… Diyne has seen me at my utter worst… and can still say that he loves me… I’m terrified.
|Sunday, May 13th, 2012|
I’m still having nightmares, but they seem to be less frequent.. I do not remember some of them, and that is a blessing, but the way I wake up from time to time is a tell, tell sign of a nightmare. Waking with a start, heart pounding... scared…
But my eyes adjust, and I am right where I need to be. In Diyne’s room at his families’ home in Gridania. Diyne is over there, sleeping with an intense look on his face. Watching over me... keeping me safe.
Staying here with his family provided just the piece of mind I really needed.
I should really watch my words.
Last night started well enough. I helped Miss Totora with dinner and I ate with their whole family. Miss Totora feeding Akkaro some sweet popoto mush, Tatali and Morin talking about the trees and Mister Savine speaking about swordplay in one way or another with Diyne and Valin.
Such a lovely family… Every time I sit down at this table, with this family it makes me wonder how my life would have turned out if my family was like Diyne’s.
Miss Aveline had stopped by and the poor thing fell asleep on the sofa shortly after dinner.
Late that night after dinner, Diyne, Valin, and I sat at the table, having coffee and having a conversation when the boys suddenly stopped talking… Telling me to gather the family and head to the attic..
Some one was trying to break in… I was mortified.. after all that I been though.. and now someone was here shattering my piece of mind once more.
I had to fight my fear and move.. I had to help… I couldn’t let anything happen to this family that I have grown to admire and love.
Morin and Tatali were up so I was able to bet them dressed and up to the attic, Val and Diyne carried the exhausted Miqote upstairs , and I got Mister Savine, Miss Totora and the baby all up to the attic safely, and we stayed there until given notice.
I didn’t talk much, mostly because of my own fear.. I certainly didn’t want to rattle the all ready worried mother, or the children.. so I kept my mouth shut.
We heard a bit of commotion, but it was quickly quelled and Diyne used his linkpearl to let Morin know that the intruders were felled… but Valin was injured. Morin and I went down to help and the Wailers were called to deal with the survivor brigands.
I found out later that these men were from that same group that had been causing TALE trouble… they would stoop so low to try to harass his family.
No one really got much more sleep that night, but everyone was safe.
Poor Valin though.. when he got hurt, he also got badly poisoned.
I’m surprised I didn’t write about this sooner, but Miss Aveline is not with child. She’s been be hexed with a haunt. The haunt can be cured, it needs a few hard to come-by reagents... but when you run an Adventure League you will know people who are willing to obtain things such as chimera blood.
While I am happy that she will not be thrust into a motherhood situation long before she is ready… My guilt is paramount… I know that her ‘pregnancy’ is one of the reasons we fought /that/ night.
My assault could have been completely avoided…
It is heart-rending.
Tonight was my first night back in Ul’dah in a while after encountering the Primal Garuda…
Well, There isn’t much I can say about that but… we did see Gunther, Maelstrom business brought him into the city. I was not ready to see him, I mean I was, in fact I was happy to see him. We have been exchanging letters.. but it is so much easier to hide that you are devastated, in pain, and trying to pretend that you are not scared via text on parchment…
I wish I could have enjoyed that visit more.
It’s been a long while since I’ve sat down to write in the journal, I’ve been keeping myself busy when I am not working on my book I am helping Miss Totora with the chores or the baby, or just staying about the house with the boys.
Little Tatali really is a prodigy with her conjury and other magiks capabilities and she helps with the fane to keep Gridania safe, despite her age. The war effort…
Poor Miss Totora, she tries to put on a brave face, but she is so worried for her children.
We visited my parent’s manor last night… With everything going on as it is, as far as the Garlean threat… Diyne wanted to know what my family plans to do. Also… I think he suspects that my brother as suspect.. in someone who was responsible for my attack…
He hasn’t said as much, but I can read his body language.
Everytime I step into that house… it like I can feel the overbearing oppression.. . Valin had said it best right when we were about to leave. “Even the servants are miserable.”
We, met with my brothers and discussed whether or not, the family as a whole would support or at least back a grand company for the war effort. We learned that Tarenda and Maada are trying to push to discreetly support the Imperials… For the sake of the family they say… how could they?
Tarenda.. as usual was speaking in absolutes all while.. not to subtly insulting me. He spoke like he was in control of the family, I mean.. he does do this often… he Is the self appointed ‘voice of the family’ but if felt odd this time around. Maada.. like the little yes-man he is, just going along with Tarenda’s crazy.. like normal.. Daara.. on the other hand.. he actually spoke up… and he spoke against Tarenda.
I guess there truly is a first time for anything.
Father did eventually join us in the great hall … My father is sick, outwardly ill… I have feared this man for the majority of my life… but now he looks.. sick, weak… feeble..
They few times I’ve visited the manor.. granted I didn’t see father for to long.. . or there were times when I didn’t see him… he didn’t look like this…
The worst part is… if he is as sick as he looks… why hasn’t anyone told me?
Diyne and Father spoke privately for a bit, while Valin and I waited in the sitting room with my mother younger sisters. Mother and Daari went off to have lunch and Minina of course attempted to embarrassing and shame me. Her jeers mean nothing to me.
As we were about to leave that horrid place I guess Tarenda thought I needed some more verbal abuse for the road. Diyne and Valin, nipped that right in the bud. Straight up told him to leave me alone..
The both of them looming, threateningly… It made a odd sensation wash over me, I cannot really place it. It was similar to the feeling I get when I would watch a good arena, battle.
After the display, my brother did say “Your little friends will pay for this insolence, theirs and yours..” before he quickly walked off…
|Friday, April 27th, 2012|
It’s been a little while.. and it looks like I can hold a quill without shaking so badly that it disturbs my handwriting to much so to be
distracting. It’s hard enough as it is to deal with.. and I do not even think I should write about it.. it’s not like I will ever be able to truly forget what happened to me.
What is the point of writing this.. it’s painful to think about it, it’s painful to write , and I know it will be painful to read…
There is some truly dangerous and heartless people living in the world.
Some pilfer, some murder, then there are the ones (Sentence stops)
The first time I was kidnapped, I was not giving the opportunity to be scared, my attacker had me drugged so heavily that I.. was rescued by the time I had come to. I miss wrote, I was scared after I had come to and my rescuers had to explain what had happened…
I had met true terror with this recent attack.
I truly thought I was safe…
Every lock changed, new locks added… I have a body guard and barely say in the house at night… but this still happened.
Another big fight with Diyne… the reasons escape me, I went home. I made dinner, wrote until my hands grew tired, took a long bath, then finally I nestled into my warm bed...
I woke in a unfamiliar.. horrible place… A filthy place that reeked of blood. I was bound to a table… my captor.. ..an insane.. hyur… who would threaten me with dirty blades.. then in an instant carress my face and ask me why I was frightened..
For the first time in my life, I wished I was an ugly.. or
plain girl.. he ‘enjoyed me more’ because I am beautiful.. and he told me that numerous times as he violated me.
My consciousness would not leave me.. and through all those long agonizing moments I (Sentence just stops again)
It hurt, it all hurt more then I could express…
My savior, I prayed for Diyne... I prayed for Gunther.
But I got Zolku.
Not complaining, I had never been so happy to see him…
As the attacker’s blood split onto me.. I started to feel… I don’t know. It wasn’t relief, but I was thankful because it was finally over. I finally lost consciousness as Zolku cut my restraints to free me.
When I came to again, I didn’t recognize where I was so I panicked . Struggling and moving all about even though my lower half bruised and throbbing. Zolku just stood near me, speaking calmly.. but sternly. “You are safe now.”
All I did next was.. sit there. I couldn’t speak… I could barely move because
each twinge of pain retold me what happened. I just sat there.
I’m assuming that he cleaned me up because I sat there, clean and in a lose tunic and his shorts. He didn’t talk to me much… Its for the best since I couldn’t really answer him. He sat there.. staring at me.
After a while, he summoned Diyne.
I do not remember much about the exchange(Sentence drop)
This wouldn’t have happened if
if we hadn’t fought.. and I hadn’t left him…
If I could just keep my feelings under control and let the man do his damn job... this wouldn’t have happened to me… this is all my fault and now I have to live with this dishonor.
|Tuesday, April 24th, 2012|
I met Dante’s …’bleeding lady’ last night… I didn’t think I would meet anyone as ...off... as him… not to mention anyone stranger. She was tall and had pale skin… and, well… she bled… She was rude and contradictory… sort of obnoxious really… but if she
spoke the truth then, I learned a little a bit more about the masked man.
I do wonder where he has gotten himself to , though. He doesn’t answer his pearl so I do not hope that he is hurt somewhere.
The woman did not give me a name, claimed she did not have one.. she spoke about killing like she was talking about clouds in the sky…
I do not understand people like that… I know I have ended life before.. I‘ve read about assassinations in the paper …and I know people who do it for coin... People that I am close to, people that I respect… but if they just spoke about it like that…
Hopefully I will not see this woman to much in the future.
She did offer a warning though. Just to make sure I did not anger Dante’ apparently, he has an anger issue…
Early today I met up with Morin and we spoke briefly about job pospect with his boss from the troupe. Maybe, an accocunting job is the change I needed, plus there will be so many new faces.
|Wednesday, April 18th, 2012|
Well… he didn’t try to intimidate me… Perhaps, I should refrain from drinking around the man. While nothing major happened, that isn’t in my best interests… I won’t tell Diyne about the course of the conversation.
Well, Valin <strike>isn’t</strike> doesn’t seem like a really bad guy.. he’s just an older… more laid back Diyne. I don’t think I’ve seen him angry.. not even when Diyne and he, bicker.. just an even expression.. Like Gunthers… just a bit more smug…
I didn’t really talk about the letter I got from Guns. I was excited to see that I had gotten something from him… but what is this.. It felt more like a progress report. I guess it really is over… I’ll write him back.. but.. what do I even say?
I miss you?
The last time we met, we, by my suggestion.. fooled around a bit, and while I wasn’t sad when he left the next morning, I was feeling very cold and numb… It was odd to go… completely full circle like that.
I’m relived… but it still hurts.
Well, last night was interesting.
Guilt and contentment are battling again. <strike>Brothers..</strike>
-Written very, very thickly , like she really bore down on the page-
Why do I continue to bother with him? Because I am stupid, I am obviously a dunce… I like having my feelings and emotions toyed around with. I must be a constant source of entertainment for him. Fuck me when he’s bored, or if neither one of /them/ are available then laugh at my anger or my pain? Just a barrel of laughs for his amusement. I bet that’s all I’ve been to him… nothing more...
Then he has the audacity to judge me and the men I spend time with. His paramours include a memory, a weird little witch that
isn’t even nice to him, and a clumsy miqote that never even looked his way until she poisoned herself.. not to mention half of TALE with a love potion. I will not speak ill of the dead. I never met the woman and I know she had to be someone special.. to help turn his life around..
Midge, Midge Midge Midge Midge … I hate the fact that she is able to push my buttons the way does and I cannot retaliate, I will not humor her by getting into a ‘discussion’ with her, where I will get upset, and she just shrugs it off because she enjoys that type of banter.
And .. Aveline…
My heart and my mind cannot take this.
I don’t even want his commitment, and I have never offered myself to him exclusively.. so why the man has the power to drive me absolutely insane… I don’t know why...and it’s not fair. It’s unfair that he gets the option to just float on by.. it’s ways up to me. Always a hasty apology… I can never hurt him as much as he hurts me.
But I don’t want to hurt him…
That the last thing I want, even though he… He thinks that I am just lonely, only upset because right now, yes.. there is no one else in my life.. but you know… a third failed engagement would make anyone a little apprehensive about hooking up with even more handsome men. It’s not a crime to cool off and set back from … all of that. The most men I juggled at once was five.. and it’s overwhelming, then there was just Gunther, then there was the random encounter with Zolku which made Diyne, and not Gunther flip out.
Who’s sending who mixed signals?
I listened and supported him when he was having trouble with Midge, and I comforted and helped with all the bu;;s!t with Aveline. All when I didn’t agree with what was going on. Why? Why did I listen to him and help him?! Why did I hold my tongue and be there even though.. a lot of this stuff could be easily solved?! Not just because I love that idiot’s stupid face.. but because I am his friend… and gods…
he’s the closest thing /I/ have for a best friend.
He is completely dull if he think I would be okay with talking about my personal problems with Midge present, and the fact is, since he did not dismiss her and yet still expected me to talk to him just proves to me that I would never be the first “on his list” So why even bother. Yes, we are casual but… there is always a favorite. I don’t have to be his favorite.. I just wish he didn’t make it so
fucking apparent that I’m not…
Just when I didn’t think things could get any worst… Well, weirder. Things.. have gotten a bit more hectic for Diyne.
Let me preface this mess. Diyne… being observant, noticed that I do not really have any female friends.. he also noticed that Miss Aveline does not as well. So, I guess he got the wise idea of getting us together so we can talk and become the best of friends. I care for Diyne and sometimes valve his words.. but there are sometimes where he doesn’t.. think through.. I know that he… cares for her, and yes I am jealous. I know I shouldn’t be but I am.
Just to humor him, I was going to give this thing a shot. I was already cordial to her, so having tea or a few drinks with her wasn’t going to kill me.. She got the jump on me… Wanted my opinion on something… Diyne had told me that she was feeling under the weather so maybe I could help her. Well, We spent some time together and she explained to me that she was indeed feeling under the weather… she told me her symptoms and then told me she
had missed her monthly.
At first I thought her dense, for thinking she was ill, but all her fretting and reasoning started to sound familiar… She was in
denial. Just like I was. The only thing that would really put her mind at ease was a chiregon telling her she was not pregnant so, agreed to go together the next morning. I didn’t really want to go with her.. but having gone though it… I
know how hard it is to go alone… I could put my jealousy aside to help my fellow woman, right?
She’s with child, she with child and she unsure on whether it is Diyne’s or another fellow’s. As she’s starting to panic, just saying any and everything that os coming to mind I felt… It’s hard to even put to words how I felt… Was it just my jealousy pouring out of me, was it anger, was it shock, was it pity? While I was sitting at the Gobin’s Goblet with her, I settled on shock. I rubbed her back while she whimpered and lamented… for the most part, I sat in silence.
When we parted ways, that’s when the pity set it… Diyne had just found out about Morin, now there was another potential child… a baby even… I was there when Diyne reviled Morin to his parents… I’m sure the reaction from his mother would be even more violent if at the end of the year he brought home yet another bastard…
Much later that evening he summoned me, frantic, after she told him of the burden… Diyne, like I knew he would was panicking… There was nothing I could do to calm him.. and he’s going to be stressed like this until they know if that child is his, or the other’s. He spent that whole evening pacing, smoking, babbling, and fretting until he eventually just passed out.
I had finally transitioned into anger at this point.
I am livid… I don’t like it when h(A few lines are neatly scratched out.) might not even be his to begin with, what does he plan on doing?!
Diyne likes to say that some things happen to him because he is cursed by the wanderer himself, I am not that spiritual, but I do sometimes feel their presence.. I think Diyne just has the worst of luck.
Not long ago he had gotten injured by a Garlean weapon…apparently the man who shot him, then let him go. He didn’t give me many details about what had happened but he then, later got a mysterious letter. A letter that bore his own family’s seal.. a letter that request his lone presence in a secluded area. Neither one of us liked the sound of that.. so I went with him, followed behind at a safe distance, armed with a short bow, just in case. The person waiting was that same Garlean that attacked and shot Diyne days prior, at least that’s what I gathered from the conversation.
They spoke briefly before a full blown swordfight broke out.. I took a position that would allow me to fire an arrow if Diyne needed my support.. but it looked as if they were a bit evenly matched for a while. Ultimately Diyne gained the upper hand and won the duel.
Diyne, figured that he would spare this man since he had spared him. The man, seemed stoic and didn’t seem to care whether he lived or died. Diyne demanded that the man remove his helmet, I’m guessing he was planning on scaring him.
The man’s face.. he looked like a gruff… tanned… smug, older version of Diyne.
This man was the brother that Diyne “lost” seventeen years ago. And I guess seeing him.. seeing him in the enemy garb…
...I do not blame him for what he did.
Diyne charged the man on his knees and started to hit him, hit him over and over… pummeling that man’s face until his fists were sore. It was barbaric, but I dare not get in his way.
The man, his brother, Valin took the beating. Didn’t resist nor did he move to lessen or block the hits. He just accepted it.
When Diyne was finally finished, I cautiously asked Diyne if I should heal him…
Valin sat there blood oozing out of a broken nose on a beaten face. I healed this man. Diyne stood in near silence.
Dispite bleeding and wounded this man grinned wolfishly at me and flirted, Diyne looked as if would pummel him into next week, but he refrained. Now the delima was… what do we do with a Garlean solider… who also happens to be of Diyne’s kin?
What we did is extremely illegal and we run the risk of treason charges… but I remembered the promise I made to myself if I ever found my brother.
“I would do anything in my power to help him.”
Diyne and I… Shared, the pain of losing our greatest role model… Now I would help him of the joy of being reunited… despite the situation. We have him holed up in my suite in Ul’dah, After staying with Zolku a few times, and after dealing with the troubles with those brigands I had the idea of having an exterior lock installed. So.. He’s essentially locked in there until Diyne figures out what to do with him. He isn’t really ready to speak with him, so that means I am the one who has to bring him meals and what not…
I bet he will try to intimidate me..
|Wednesday, April 4th, 2012|
It’s too personal
It stays to personal.
Everything weights on my mind.. my thoughts an unbalanced libra.. I haven’t been writing in my journal because I have been writing my next novel… But to tell you the truth, I hadn’t been writing in this here journal .. because I was afraid of what I might write.. I was so sad, I am still sad to be honest.. but in time that sadness, turned into relief. Yes, I loved him. I made sacrifices for Gunther that I seldom make for anyone else, I let my mind be changed about certain things.. and while things didn’t work out… I’ve gained a wealth of knowledge that I will probably … conveniently forget … when I need it.
Even though, I wasn’t ready.. I was willing to give myself to him fully.. and possibly give him a child… the though still chills me to my core… I know I am not ready.. but I was willing? It doen’t make sense. But I figured, if we got married, and I bore his heirs.. then I would become truly and completely devoted to him..
But if it didn’t?
I would run the high risk of resenting him.
Even without knowing my thoughts, the consences is that same.. everytime it’s brought up.. they say “Maybe it’s for the best.”
I am back to being alone and Gunther can go back to his life.. of being completely stotic.. and content.
I am going to miss looking into his light grey eyes… and asking him what he is thinking .. because I truly had no idea most of the time… His light hair… his pale yet.. scarred skin.. his muscular form…
Twelves.. I am going to miss his touch..
It’s still been a bit rough.. things have been a bit topsy. I don’t know everything that has been going on with TALE, and it’s my own fault for being so wrapped up in myself… Well there was a huge to-do… with those insane people who were reasonable for the rash of kidnappings and assaults on TALE members and others… There was some strife… Two members of TALE seeming to turn their backs on everyone when things really got ..bad..
First there was Claus which everyone was shocked by, then there was Midge…
Yes.. the same Midge that eats weird things, speaks a little oddly and oh yes.. just recently cursed her lover and I for.. not sleeping with eachother..
The one and the same.
The other members.. didn’t seem surprised by this treachery, and pretty much were willing to accept that Midge was never really one of them and were now calling for her head.
All I could think about was Diyne.. and how he was taking all of this… Needless to say.. with everything going on with his life… I am sure he didn’t need his lover being involved in this.
I put my own mess and heart break aside, so I could be there for him.
I offered encouraging words, full bellies, warm arms and open ears.
As it turns out. It was all an expertly planned and exicted ruse. Have our enemies believing that there was sereve mistrust and disarray within the structure.. and there was.. using that to then strike when TALE was /weak/… well, that plan back fired on them… their leaders taken down in the toxin filled caverns of the Autrim Vale.. and the structure of TALE looked like it would return to normal…
While Claus seemed to have been welcomed back with open arms, Midge… was not. Some of the other members of the League look as if they wish to shit on her when she walks by… Diyne and her are through… And despite the /bad blood/ between us.. I really felt for her…
I haven’t gathered the nerve to speak to her in person yet.. but I did send her a letter.. letting her know that she could seek me out if she needed.. I don’t know if that was wise… But, the don’t the people who give her the most venomous of looks realize.. Without her acting.. Without her ..Weird olde magik… The outcome of the battle with those zealots would have been much more tragic…
Even though.. she hexed me… Those stupid hexes that still makes me …angry when I think about them… I still felt compelled to help her..
I cannot believe I didn’t write about this sooner.. Well, A few weeks ago, Diyne had me over to meet a young man he had taken as his squire. A handsome.. soft spoken boy … who is the splitting image of Diyne…
As much /running around/ as Diyne does.. I can’t say I was really surprised.. I mean it was pretty surprising to meet this boy, but goodness… Thirteen cycles.. and he didn’t even know. We haven’t really talked much about the situation, or the boy’s mother… The only thing he seems to be focused on is.. doing right by Morin (his son) by training him and how his parents are going to react.
Morin is really a sweet boy, shame he is so young really. Nine cycles is a bit much.. but thinking about about.. My youngest sister’s husband is twelve cycles older then her.. and she was married to him when she was fifteen.. Pregnant by sixteen… ugh.. never mind.
A few days ago I met a man in Gridania when I was avoiding visiting my parents manor.. We stood on the bridge and spoke for a bit.. he said said that he noticed me before… He had a way of speaking that was sort of odd.. not Midge odd but.. in-depth, yet intuitive… He wore a mask… which is pretty common especially around the Shroud… but for some reason… I felt compelled to listen to this fellow.. even though.. he doesn’t really speak much. After our second meeting, he gave me a linkpearl.
He is a bit socially… inapt, I mean.. he has manners.. and I am sure he means well.. but oh dear it’s hard to explaine.. how can someone have the navieity of a child, but is hard and blunt like an wisened man.
I… found out that he is a sell sword… practiced in the art of killing over men I am assuming…
I know… a lot of my friends… have ended the lives of others.. I have seen it.. and I have heard it.. but never have I had a man, openly admit to me.. that that is his occupation.
I could… feel the fear welling up in my chest… But, I did not waver.. I stood and listened to this man. And the more I listen to him speak.. the more I want to know.
He is… so different..
I cannot get him to show me his eyes.. but he did wear a half mask when I offered him a small meal.
His teeth.. instead of being flat, or rounded.. they came to a point… all of them..
There are things about him.. well other than him being a hired hitman that sort of concern me…
One time Dante and I were spending sometime together when we were approached by Mnim, A woman I had known while I was in the Everwatch.. And her reactions and behavior said a lot.. she was a bit guarded.. like she was worried , not for.. but because of him.
Diyne is already wary of him, and Oskar says “He doesn’t approve.”
While romance with this man isn’t something on the forefrount of my mind.. if sort of enrages me that some of the men I am friends with think they can just volunteer their opinions.. and why do they assume that I am involved with this man as such…
But I digress..
Mnim had told both Diyne and I that Dante had.. hurt himself on purpose in front of her… I hope that he’s okay.. I wonder what is going on in his head.. behind his mask..
I really have to see about.. getting out more and meeting new men.. or seeing and socializing with more men… other then Diyne…
When… I am just spending time with him.. that’s when those pesky feelings get into the picture and blur my vision… That.. stupid foolish man doesn’t know what he freaking does to me.. and if he does.. he does a great job of ignoring it.. and driving me insane.. INSANE. That first night.. we shared a bed after not doing so.. for so long… it was so beautiful… yet taboo… moments before we were yelling at eachother…
It’s not fair.. and once again, he’s barley affected… I know what we said to each other those months ago.. when we were both spoken for… How painful it was to hear his true feelings for me ONLY for him to ultimately choose her, to go back to her… then that night when we hooked up after that fight… To still not even be the first on his mind? (shakey handwriting) I will not become his /go-to/ girl when… the true objects of his affection are not available….
Quit lying to yourself Tahrara.
Yes you will.
I cannot deny the feelings.. but I will continue to hide them.. I will not be foolish and bring them out of this journal again.. because I know.. I will lose.
I will just have to deal with the physical.. which I cannot deny.. is… mindblowing…
I suppose it’s better then nothing.
|Friday, March 16th, 2012|
Gunther and I are through.. he ended things with me right after our vacation. Saying that he would like to return to combat and could not bare to deal with the thought of leaving me if he died...
I don't understand..
Since we started dating there have been two times where I thought I would lose him..the scars would be a little deeper.. be would look a bit more worn out.. but.. I was still here.. I would be by his side to nurse him back to health.. and that was my promise to him since I loved him.
I know he was /restless/ aching to get back into the thick of things that is why he rejoined the Maelstrom.. I was fine with that.. sure I worried but this was his life..
There was a battle when we were up north, zealots causing trouble. Gunther had gotten hurt, and poisoned.. and I worried.. but he got better, I tried my best not to nag.. but I care about him..
Since that day.. he had been distant, I rationalized it as he being upset that he had gotten injured.. but I never imagine that he would end us..
I go back and foreward bewteen sad.. and angry...
|Thursday, January 26th, 2012|
There… are just some days.. and nights
Well, there is no denying that I do spend a great deal of time with Diyne, but his is my closet friend and he is still technically my bodyguard.. so it only makes since that we spend a lot of time together. Sometimes it is quite torturous… While I truly believe that that I have quelled the amorous feelings, the lustful feelings rear their heads more times I can count.
In moments, a look turns into a friendly, chaste little kiss, then the kisses are not friendly anymore.. they are strong and aggressive, curious little touches evolve quickly.. until we both talk each other out of it… making excuses to each other, then we end up laying in the bed... Staring awkwardly at the dark ceiling until one of us falls asleep.
I think we have both found what we are comfortable with, all with one hundred percent less guilt. I still don’t really think Midge would be completely alright with everything that is going on.. but I am not going to be the one who brings it up to her. I value my heath.
Though, with the way things are now, the way we speak to each other and how we act around each other it’s like how it was in the past ..only with less, no sex.
Just when I thought normal days were returning. I still don’t really know the whole story with the resent attacks on my friends in TALE but I have heard, rumblings.. If I could catch up to Miss Aveline then I would just ask her but times have been thin.. and now seems like a terrible time to bother her because of recent developments.
Talk about trouble!
Every time I think I can focus on going back to my writing or working with the Everwatch something happens. I cannot just leave…
Well, the issue at hand at this moment is strange to say the least.. There is this highlander hyur, Claus, This man has always seemed a little slow to me.. but has always been friendly. Apparently, he attacked the leader the TALE, Aveline after purloining something intimate from her.
Diyne, is livid.. my goodness, I know he has a temper but Gods.. as angry as he was.. he may have needed a tranquilizer.. I caught he and Miss Talulah arguing in the streets of Ul’dah was I was on my way back to the Headquarters.. after they.. Parted I convinced him to go to his studio and I stayed with him there.
He was angrier then a viper and barely said a word as we cleaned up the dust from his unused studio. Just seething the whole night until he told me he wasn’t feeling well and then just passed out finally.
The fool has made himself sick with worry… or anger.. which ever it is. He’s babbling incoherently into the linkpearl.. Thinks he’s been poisoned but he has been with me the entire evening..
Now he thinks he may have contracted vampirism from D’a, who has.. for some reason has gotten on a blood tasting kick. … so maybe he is not madman ranting about that… Now he has me thinking all crazy..
Now he’s apologizing to everyone because he think’s he’s dying… It’s getting hard to tune him out.. maybe I should take his linkpearl for now, some of the others might start to get concerned.. more concerned.
Listening to the exchange between fever-adled Diyne and this ….vapid woman over the linkpearl was entertaining at first but now I am starting to get annoyed.
I cannot very well announce over the pearl that I know Diyne is okay because I’ve been with him all night.
After The incident with Midge, I had some business in Gridania, that business being a cup of tea with Zolku. Yes, the man in red himself. Three moons, I hadn’t heard from him in three moons but he seems to be back in hearing range at least. I had actually saw him in Ul’dah a few days ago, but our meeting was so brief.. I figured that he could be bothered to entertain me with a nice little visit with some tea.
He isn’t really thrilled with the idea of my engagement to Guns and he spent a great deal of time explaining the cons.
Every point he brought up.. yes, he is right.. he was correct about some of the things. I know this..but, I also know Gunther’s heart.. yes.. I know that sounds naïve.
Out of all my friends, he is the first and really the only one who has openly spoke out against this.. At least to my face.. While I appreciate Zolku’s concern, I fear it may not be the most sincere.. I mean honestly… why would he even give a fuck about who I marry?
“Break your engagement, take it slow.” “Do it for me.”
Who does he think he is?
I did end up getting him off of that subject and we did have a pleasant evening. We rented a room for the evening, I left before he woke up.
There has to be some sort of irony with sleeping with a man who had just spent the better half of a conversation trying to talk you out of marriage.
I feel indifferent about it.
|Monday, January 23rd, 2012|
A few weeks ago I tore a few pages out of my journal and now have since misplaced them... I have to stop doing that.. I write this journal for a reason.. to record my thoughs and keep them.. no matter what.. my accoplishments my failures my fears my everything.. I cannot just write something down.. and be afriad to face my own words.. and I was.. I was fearful of my own words, my jourrnal, my mind.. my expiriances...
A lot was happening at that time when I orginaly wrote those pages. Gunther was recovering from the battle with the primal that nearly killed him, Oskar was seriously injured a few days after that.. but Guns and I did not find that out until.. much, much later.
In that time with Oskar was fighting for his life the Everwatch was apointed an acting leader. Ildorath.. Ildo.. I think that was what his name was, He was an odd fellow.. While under his direction... thats when things started to get a little hectic. For one, he wasn't exactly leadership matial.. big muscles and a booming voice is not all that it takes.. He did do a good job of rallying the Watches members and encouaging them to work together.
Looking over that sentence I guess that is what a good leader does... but there was just something that rubbed me the wrong way about this man.. his smiles were weighted and he was just generally creepy..
I accompanyed the Watch on a mission, It was just supposted to be a mission to retrieve an item and get out. I figured I would go because it is much easier to write reports when you were there. Much easier then trying to track down the others or having them track me down..
The unthinkable happened that night.
That mission from the start was.... an expiriance.. Miss Syesta and I were packed into a crate and were loaded onto the ship we were infultrating, the entire party was.. but Syesta and I were unfortunate, Our crate was obcured by another crate and when we tried to escape the crate ontop of ourswas weak at the bottom and in seconds our crate was being filled with.. grain.. rice.. I don't remember.. It was so hard to breath. We were saved but it was difficult to .. function after that.
Our mission was falling apart the longer we stayed on that ship.. not to mention there was so much noise when they had to save Syesta and I. We searched for the item with the lame vague description they gave us. There were two smuggers.. the two men I ..killed to protect my comrades.
Gods.. even now it makes me sick to think about it..
The first man.. I didn't see his face because I was behind him when I fired. The second man.. I saw his face, and I heard him scream .. grugle.. my arrow planted in the center or his throat. It scared me.. I never even thought to aim for.. none- leathal areas..
We were all barely able to escape intime but we found whatever it was they were looking for.. We suffered no casulaties.. our debreifing was insulting.. we were barely thanked for what we went though.. Is that how it always is?
Gunther took me home that night and I did nothing cry.. I could tell he really didn't know what to do with me.. but he sat right tthere with me and tried to console the best he could.
It was not something I ever wanted to go though again.
i kept to myself a while after that.. I didnt want to leave the house, and I didn't.. I ignored my Everwatch duties.. and in a way.. I still am..
Ironically when I came back to the Everwatch we all when with Syesta when she got an odd message and that also resulted in men meeting their end by my arrows..
My Garlean is not the best .. but I got the jist of what was going on that evening, I am torn on how I should feel.. but they were going to hurt her.. and those Garlean men... they would have murdered us.. Slaughted us where we stood if given yeild... It's still jarring though.. killing... how could anyone just.. do it?
That night, It would have been cruel to leave Syesta alone so Gunther and I put her up for the night. She seemed rattled.. I tried my best to act like /I/ was okay, at least until she left where I kept to myself..
This time I didn't spend time weeping.. but I was still pretty much useless. After a few says I finally managed to get myself out of bed, out of the house, out of Limsa Lominsa. I cared for Diyne's younger brother Akkaro while his parents were away..
The little prince is growing bigger every day.. such a well behaved little boy, He is going to be nothing like Diyne at all. a heart is drawn here.
I would never really share this with anyone but.. when you are holding a baby and giving them their bottle... the way that the child looks up at you.. looks right into your eyes.. all there is is truth, trust and love.. It's... heart swelling..
I had started to spend more time at the TALE HQ, there had been some strange happenings and I figure there was striaghe in numbers.. People were getting attacked or adbucted.. Even D'a...
When ever I mention D'a.. I am wondering why she is doing... whatever she is doing.. but I never knew I cared so much about the well being of that girl.. I stayed down in the infrimary until she was back on her feet. Diyne took Diasee's attack to heart and he was pretty much a wreck.. I did my best to try to comfort him as well..
He had a contact and he was going to back to her to try to get information out of her.. he too ended up captured and beaten to hell like D'a was.. I was in Ul'dah when I heard over the pearl that they found him... I did not even know he was missing... I dropped everything and I was on my way out to thanalan.. I summoned Johannes and rode as quick as I could out to the spot I was lead to.
His asslaents had bound him up and had him dangling from a cliff where... huge hungry drakes waited for him to wiggle his self free below... Miss Islime played bait to lead the drakes away, I had to perform a perfect shot to cut the rope and Shien had to leap into the air to catch him before he fell to far... We had to do this without flaw and quickly for it to work... and thank the gods it did..
Poor Diyne.....He was in pretty bad shape.. Though, do to his stubborn nature and Midge's stellar healing capabilties he was up and about in no time at all.. I still stuck with him and took care of him though, I am sure he appricaited the gesture no matter how many times I harrassed him about taking drafts for pain.
|Friday, October 28th, 2011|
It's still a bit difficult to express myself or even tell Gunther about my heart and my feelings for Diyne.. I got close yesterday ... But can't not like this.. not so soon. How is it so easy for Guns to just tell me how he feels? I still feel like I have to be guarded .. Do I really need another heartbreak so quickly?
Who's to say he will hurt me? Oh right.. because they all end up doing it.
I thought I came to that conclusion before but look at me now.. In yet, another relationship.. Trusting yet another man to make me happy, protect me ... Not cheat on me and abandon ...
He says he won't leave like that again .. and he finally told me one of the real reasons why he left in the first place.
His mother passed on.
I wish he had told me sooner. I am going to try to focus on being there for him and being more forthcoming, I'm sure it was difficult for him to talk about that.
(Handwriting is a little messier then normal, looks like she really bared down on the page)
Nope.. I was not ready to speak with Midge.
Why the hell is she trying to egg me on?
And Diyne? "You've been in a bad mood for like three weeks."
|Thursday, October 27th, 2011|
In my selfish heart-brokenness... I nearly forgot to mention a bit of important news that Zolku gave to me the day we had brunch in Gridania. That madman who ruined Zolku's like is dead. Dead by Zolku's own hands. While happy that the chapter in his life is over.. how does one celebrate that.. I mean.. what does one do after that? The first thought on my mind was to say "Congratulations" but that would have been dreadfully tacky.
I didn't even ask him how he felt. I couldn't imagine a 'good' feeling... but then again I cannot put myself in that situation. I couldn't fine my brother.. how I even find a murderer.. and kill them?
I am still beside myself over this whole Diyne thing. I barely speak to him ans I have not been to Hauteur Humiliations nor have I spoke to Midge since she announced on the TALE linkpearl that she and Diyne where an item again I know....and I feel like I am being really immature about all of this but, what can I do? If I see her before I am ready I don't know what I'll do.
What do you even say? This is like the debacle with Nanyah and I...except... not the same at all. It's not like Midge and I are that close... But just like last time.. I am the loser... I am left alone.
Ah.. but this time.. I am not technically alone. I have Gunther.. and I have not been fair or completely honest with him about any of this... That makes me feel terrible.
How would I even bring that up? "Hey Guns, you know that bodyguard I mentioned? I love him.. and it's really difficult trying to get over him."
See that doesn't even look right I know it won't sound right.
He told me that I could talk to him about anything.. but I feel like that would just cause trouble between us and Twelve know that we do not need any more issues with our relationship.
I asked him about his feelings for Rhio and whether he had gotten over her. I figured if he wasn't, I could come clean about Diyne.. but he stated that he was over her. I'm not really sure if he just said that to please me. I asked him how he was able to get over her.. his mention may have worked from him.. but I know it will not work for me.
Guns didn't question my knowing about his feelings for Rhio...Odd..
Love is a weakness, yet a power weapon, the most powerful weapon of them all.
When you tell someone you love them, you become weak while they grow in strength. The one who you love can either build you up or they can tear you down. Leave you to rot.
In battle you are never suppose to give you opponent the upper hand. Never revel your weakness.
Make liken love to battle.. but if it were true. Shouldn't there be two victors? A battle is won when one side dominates the other. Domination is not love. One side needs to surrender.
|Saturday, October 22nd, 2011|
It is your job to stay alluring to your husband. He must always be proud to have you on his arm.
Do not make your husband or his family regret their decision.
Pregnancy is no excuse for letting your looks wane.
Some weight gain is inevitable but that does not mean you can become fat and unattractive.
I hate how the very next few pages started talking about how little you should eat to maintain your beauty.. but the very next chapter talks about how it is up to you alone... the importance of bearing a healthy heir.
Many of the key points of those to chapters contradict themselves.
Never question the rules though.
Ladies do not make waves. She follows the rules, never questioning what she learns her father or her husband.
What if your father is an uncaring moron, and what is your 'husband' is a lying, over ambitious snob?
(Tahrara smirked as she looked over that old journal page)
I was so cofunfused about what I was goign to do when I wrote that journal. If it wasn't for Ketenera's guidance.. where would I be?
Well.. I am unhappy now.. unhappy and frightening and no matter what I (The rest of the paragraph is neatly crossed out)
(The page that was ripped out, is a crumpled page that has been re-added to the journal)
A lot of good that did you... You are falling in love. This time, don't let things change. Keep your fucking mouth shut. He never even has to know, this way he can never treat you differently.
He will eventually leave your side but at least this time you will be able to see it coming.. Once the eminent danger leaves your life... So will he. You night as well brace for impact sooner rather than later.
I need to stop fucking up. It's even gotten to the point where I get defensive when people simply imply that we are together...
Never has a getting a distraction been more important. I do not need my heart becoming smoldering wreckage .... Again. He'll never (last part of sentence scribbled out)
No matter how easy it would be to fall back on Koumoru.. I would be sending mixed signals and leading him on... Plus.. His fucking marriage... So.. leave Koumoru alone.... find another.
A few months ago I lied to Zolku when I told him I was falling for Diyne.. I lied so he wouldn't think that I was still stubborn enough to pursue him. I am unsure of when that lie became the truth.. and I haven to deal with it.
This unrequited shit is for the birds and it should stay in my twelvedamned books.
I have a few options:
Continue to ignore and keep quiet about my feelings.
Tell him how I feel and deal with the consequences.
Avoid it all, find another bodyguard.
(The second option is circled)
So I told him.. without telling him, he isn't stupid so I'm sure he got what I was saying.
I asked him to tell me... tell me he would never love me.. that we would never be together... I ASKED him to say that to me. While it was painful to hear it.. to hear that from some I care to strongly far. I needed it. No since in clinging to a dream such as that.
I needed to be punished.
I knew the rules and my feelings should have never gotten involved. He was supposed to be a simple fling... then my bodyguard.. that was it..
Things shouldn't change between us at least ..I hope they don't... Though if they do.. I know this was a risk I had to take.
I mean if they do change that would make getting over him that much easier right? I just hope our friendship can stay intact.
This wasn't as painful or awkward as I thought it would be.. I think we are both doing a good job of not be weird around each other, it's almost as if I didn't say anything at all.. and that is good.
He said that he couldn't be able to just ..forget my admission, he's seems to be fine...
That's all I want..
Today I met up with Guns, we are getting better at speaking with each other. Words and conversations are coming more naturally just like before. It's kinda ..nice spending time with him and I should.. probably try to spend more time with him.. Just because things are not weird with Diyne that doesn't mean I should continue to spend most of time with him.... so things could get weird and knowing my luck.. they would.
Tonight I watched Diyne and Zolku lock horns again, This time they were using fist weapons. I like watching them duel. It really gets my blood pumping even though I myself are not involved with the battle.
I got to spend sometime with the handsome hat wearer.. I flirted with him a little bit but I did hold back.. I mean.. the last time I actually got to talk to him.. I found out that he was not interested in the same thing I was interested in.. I hope everything gets better for him... That man is to smart and attractive to not be out in the field..
Well... Tonight was interesting.. I thought Diyne and I were fine and technically we were.. I mean..we didn't get really get to speak much.. but.. tonight.
Midge.. Still has feelings for Diyne.. and acted as such when he went to go see her.
I asked him if he loved her.
He didn't really say no... he really didn't say yes... just another ambitious response to a straight forward question.
We both got pretty emotional.. then he said we should just forget all of this.. that there wasn't time for it.. there were more important things to be concerned with.. he is right.. I just wish he wasn't right...
I spent another day with Gunther today... I just couldn't be with Diyne...
Guns... asked me to be his...
I... I don't know what to do...
After some thinking... much thinking... I think I know what I am going to do.. I spoke with Diyne about it briefly... he didn't react to the news in the way I thought he would... I thought he would be relieved.
He's says he's worried that Gunther might hurt my heart again..
If he's so worried.. why doesn't he just ask me to be his....
I know that is selfish but... the way he reacted.. the way that he spoke to me the other day.. Why couldn't we just try?
Fuck it... fuck it all...
I tried to take a day for myself to really think about what I was going to do... This is really why I need a female friend.. that lonely feeling.. Diyne is my best friend and (lines scratched out)
I did go back to Diyne's studio.. he said he got me a gift. It was wonderful, a brand new bow.. The craftsmanship was superb.. He cares more then he lets on.
I went Chocobo-back riding with Koumoru... broke the news about Gunther to him... It felt ...horrible to see him cry like that... I mean.. I've seen the man cry before but this time... I couldn't even bear to look at him.. knowing that I had hurt him so...
I accepted that job as scribe for the Everwatch. And I had started right away working on a report involving a kidnapping and strange machinery.
That evening when I went back to Diyne's.. I... wanted to share a bed with him.. one final time. We did, and it was beautiful.
Today I met up with Gunther to tell him that I would try being his, only his. I asked him to respect me by doing the same and he said he would... I hope this isn't a bad idea... I already have my reservations. Am I doing the right thing? I haven't been in such a relationship since I was eighteen cycles..
Am I doing the right thing?
Do I really want to be tied down like this? Can he make me happy? Should I have just dated Koumoru?
I hope I do not unwittingly sabotage this..
It's been a couple of days.. and everything seems to be going fine. I cannot even find anything to complain about. He treats me well and we have fun when we spend time together. I am trying my best not to think about Diyne.. or how much I miss (The rest of the sentence is crossed out with neat lines).
Zolku and I had a nice brunch and we talked a while about my issues.. well I should say both of our issue. It's been a while since he and I actually got to sit and talk. Just the two of us... thinking about it..It may have been the first time. It was nice. He is a good person and a good listener.
Diyne and Midge are back together. (The rest of the page has been torn out)
|Friday, September 2nd, 2011|
Now that I have had some time to think and reflect maybe I can put my words together better. Looking back on last night's page ...I have no idea what came over Koumoru. Well, he says it's frustration and to a point I can understand his plight. For one, it turns out that, that woman who was stare at me the other day happened to be a former lover of his. According to him, she was the one was the one who broke things off with him... so why she was wasting the energy to glare at me so hard is beyond me. Oh well, I look better then her lanky ass anyways. Secondly, he just lost his home because he couldn't afford it anymore. If the little jobs he does for Sanctus were not enough, why didn't he just... get another job. I had offered to help him out but I guess it was too late. This was one of the reasons why I could never truly love him. I always feel like I have to help him, rather than WANT to help him. Thirdly, I haven't really been spending a lot of time with him lately. Between both of us working and I spending time with Diyne. We've simply have just been missing each other.
That brings me to a point. Koumoru doesn't like like Diyne and Diyne seems to take pleasure in messing with Koumoru. Oh brother. This wouldn't bother me normally since my 'dates' normally do not see each other...
I guess I would have to chalk this all up to Koumoru's bad luck. He knows I see other men, he knows that we are not committed to each other... but that doesn't stop him from getting upset when he sees me with some one else... So the fact that Kou KEEPS seeing me with Diyne... Gods it's like(Lines neatly scratched out)
That leads me into last night.. So the plan was to spend time with Kou, we would have dinner then retire for the evening so on and so forth. Well, that was not what he had in mind.. he didn't want to have dinner in the tradition since...
The way he spoke to me.. and the general aire about himself was completely different. It was like overnight, he grew a spine.. but this spine had barbed protrusions. He was a completely different man... I am not sure if I am okay with that.
His demeanor change was why it seemed like I forgot how to fucking write. For one, he has never spoke to me in that manner before.. no one but my fiancée and I know he is not(The next few lines are messily crossed out) during the process of some very intense relations.. There was a knock to the door... It just happened to be Diyne.
I have never had that happen..
It's not like I had one gentleman come over then invited an another. I am not that sadistic. Koumoru seemed to think so... blah blah blah awkward moments... very awkward. Needless to say.. Kou left even angrier at me that evening... and he had yet another argument over our linkpearl.. more like he yelled at me..
Diyne and I...well, I tried to explain had happened between Kou and I without going into to much detail, I didn't want Diyne to get upset at Kou's actions.... I failed at that as well...
Kou did end up coming back and the three of us sat there in silence .. until I retreated into the kitchen.. I thought maybe one of them would leave... Nope, they both decided to join me in the kitchen.. so the three of us stood in the fucking kitchen, cooking in silence... I really couldn't concentrate..so I'm sure the the meal tasted horrible.. this whole event was a pain in the ass.
I'm not really sure how to feel right now. I was put to bed but I'm not really sure how I got there. Whatever.. So a few days ago I offered to make Zolku dinner after we talked about some of his skill in leather working, I asked him to make me something. I thought a nice dinner would be a nice payment. I suppose it is my fault for inviting someone over for a meal in front of other people so the other people near by must have thought it was an open invitation. So... dinner for two, turned into dinner for four. No big deal. That was until dinner for four turned into dinner for eight.
In my rush to try attempt to be alone with Zolku I must have forgotten that he cannot function without Xenedra in close proximity so I shouldn't have been surprised when he asked me later if it was okay if he invited her. Nope, not fucking surprised at all. He also brought along.. Candy.. Kanada? I don’t fucking remember, some quiet women who had a nameday coming up but didn’t want to be fussed over. Xenedra invited Claus Bell, and Diyne invited Midge. Cooking for that many people was a little difficult but I did have some help. Zolku does seem to know he way around the kitchen, so having his help was a great boon.. despite my irritation at him. Diyne helped us serve so that was nice too.. but I don’t really like having my guests feeling like they have to work..
Xenedra ended up leaving for a moment and brought back a cake for the girl who didn’t want to be fussed over. Earlier in the evening I had asked Diyne to buy enough alcohol to drown an aldgoat but I didn’t even have the nerve to drink.. I was so fucking irritated that I just had some tea with sleeping weeds steeped in as well. There was a pleasant surprise though, Dreke had returned.. I haven’t seen him in so long. I am so glad he thought to visit. So nine guests.
Things I learned:
I still hate white chocolate, Midge cannot eat anything without adding a …conflicting taste to it. Diyne cannot handle Midge’s eccentric practices and eating habits in public, Kanada(?) is …quiet. Claus is nice.. Talulah really likes salmon and Dreke has changed..
Note to self, discuss dinner plans in private next time.
Yep, yep. I am a moron. An absolute idiot. When I joined the Eorzean Guard I was asked if I could every once in a while come out into the field for reports and shit. I have been doing it more and more lately.. I’ve been going more then I have been asked lately.. and I think in a sense I am preparing myself for the hand to hand combat I bothered two people about.. I mean what is the point if I cannot handle it.. Anyways I’m an idiot because I went on an endurance run Zolku was leading. My back hurts.
I admit that I was feeling a little bit to big for my britches, I had JUST gotten used to wearing that chain mail I had made.. so after the run I could barely stand on my own two feet. But, I am a little proud of myself. I may have gotten all sweaty and gross but I stuck it out for the whole time. Running around in fucking caves felling fiends is not what I call fun but damn if it isn’t invigorating. Now off to finish the report on such.
Because I am daft, I went on another endurance run. This time it was lead by the commander herself. Twevles.. why did I go on another one?!
After the run there was some social times to be had. I really should have stayed at home to nurse my aching body.. but you know me diary. I am a mover and a shaker. I did stop by the house to freshen up and what not, there was all sorts of sands in my hair and that was simply unacceptable.
I might up with Diyne at the Quicksands and he showed me his new bow. Nice piece of work, I may be in the market for a new one soon maybe I'll ask Diyne where he got his new one.
We then set off to look for Zolku.... and we found him once I mentioned Xenedra, oh, he didn't like that.. But my little ill-timed comment sure made me laugh.
As it turns out Zolku was spending time with an old friend for the evening... a very attractive Elezen named Alden. He was quite the charmer.
My memory gets a little fuzzy because we all ended up at the Concern and I drank way more they I should have in public.. It's all quite the blur of half naked women and a near naked man..
Once again I ended up telling Diyne something that I should have never brought up.. I don't know how much he drank that evening but hopefully it was enough for him to forget everything I said about Zolku..
Dearest Diyne means well.. but sometimes he has me thinking on things that I don't care to think about in certain moments of time.
There were other people at the Concern but Myllor and Miss Aldrisi barely talked... or did they? Oh well I guess they were sleepy. There was some commotion at the bar it's self but when is there not? That's why I do not go to that fucking dive by myself anymore. Before we all left for the evening one of the noise makers from the bar came over to the table were we sitting at.. we didn't talk much, but I did catch his name.
I was pretty inebriated.. So Diyne insisted on carrying me home. I am so glad he was there because I don't think I would have made it there if I was left by myself.
This morning... I am hung over and every time my head throbs I think back to just how much I drank.. I don't even know how I am up now. I was half tempted to stay in bed when Diyne left this morning but I got up anyways. Well. I just had a very interesting conversation with Koumoru over our linkpearl.
He's married and we're though.
I am going to take a walk..
That walk did nothing to clam my nerves if anything it pissed me off more then ever. I mentioned before about that trouble maker at the concern.. Well I saw this man again, I was minding my own business trying to clear my head when this man came over to speak to me.
This man soon started running his mouth and griping his blade like some sort of maniac
I was worried.. So I asked him if he had designs on mugging me because. I don't know why I just asked like that but.. I was in disbelief I didn't think any one would try to do such a thing in broad daylight in the middle of a fairly busy market place... But then again maybe if he wasn't some kind of brigand that the question would offend him enough to want to go away and leave me the fuck alone.
Well with the both of us speaking sternly on the street like that did draw some attention and in moments we did have a slight audience.
There were a few onlookers and the few who would pretend they were not paying attention , there was one fellow who attempted to help me an elezan who's name I was unable to get... The rowdy Lalafell then started to wave his sword at me asking if he made me nervous that scoundrel , what cheek!! Then he had the aidcity to call me princess I have never been so ficking insulted how dare he?!
I broke my promise to myself
The one thing that *I* promised to Tahrara Kivenera, I broke that promise to myself.
I disrespected someone's marriage.
I disrespected myself and that man's wife.
I cannot believe I stooped that low I cannot even look myself in the mirror right now.
My gods.. I am still shaking I finally made it home after what seemed like an hour of walking in circles
|Saturday, August 27th, 2011|
I was feeling pretty lousy with everything going on, I didn't hesitate to leave the house again.. once again I found myself in the company of friends.. Xenedra, Zolku, Talulah and Diyne we went out and did some leve-work and it seems like when ever I am upset.. the heavens like to open up and add insult to injury by adding copious amounts of rain to dampen my mood. After the work was done we ventured back to the city limits of Limsa Lomisa.. were I felt for like a queer fifth wheel for a little while..
Xenedra had to leave for Guard duty.. and you know what that means diary! Of course the man in red's smile vacated as well.. how predicable.
That's another thing where I have no idea what I should feel.. I mean.. I'm certainly feeling... something... is it anger.. is it jealousy?
Maybe it there is a little anger in there.. but it is mostly just emptiness.
I think I would be more upset if I didn't feel so... sorry for Zolku. I hope I didn't act this way when I was pining over him..
Luckily I was so distracted by all of this I barely had time to think about Gunther. Finally it seemed like my attempts of distraction actually worked.. for a moment at least. Diyne offered to escort me home.. earlier in the day I wanted to speak to him. I wanted to scold him for being out in the field so soon after he had gotten hurt like that and I wanted him to tell me more about.. those bruises... I wanted him to tell me why he thought he had to lie to me about them.
He didn't offer me much more then what he said the other night.. I guess I should have known.
In a moment of weakness, I told him about Gunther and I.. everything leading up to that last point. He held me in his arms and told me to forget about him... even slyly offering to take ...Gunther's responsibility on his shoulders.. That.. threw me for a loop for a moment.. I simply pretended like I didn't know what he was talking about. We both dropped it never to bring it up again.
That Mister Ikapine..
I also ended up telling him a little about my brother.. I really am a weak person.
As far as I can tell Diyne and I... We are going to be great friends for a long time.. hopefully he doesn't ..leave.
After some work out in the field I went home and got ready for the Eorzean Guard meeting. There was a pretty good turn out and I took my notes. The meeting was a little long but I suppose things like that are. After the meeting I hung around and spoke to Gunther a bit.. mostly to see if I handle it. A while ago I did ask him to kinda show me more about fist fighting for sake of my writing.. I am still going to go through with it I think I can handle it. I think I will also ask Zolku for help as well.
I mean.. I don't want to be rude.. I don't just want to cancel things with Guns because of all of ...this shit.
I don't know.
I will see how things go.
Diyne came out and picked me up from the guard office with full intentions of hanging out when instead we ran into Zolku, they started talking about knives and hidden blade pockets.. which while interesting.. gave me a whole bevvy of ideas and inspirations so I left the two conversing males and went home by myself to write.
It's been a long time, but writing gave me so much peace. I'm still having trouble with my protagonist.. Who knew that writing a male hero would be so hard to pen.
..I did get Diyne to come back to my place later... Yep, confirmed some suspicions about myself. Such a revelation...
So I slept in late today, it felt nice.. having a good night sleep. I need to fine something that will help me sleep.. the sleeping weeds are starting to lose their effect.. not to mention that this shit is bitter.
I went out and I actually got to speak with Rhio briefly.. found out some interesting things about Gunther.. like how he holds a torch for her, would have never guessed that. I guess that was who h(next few words have been scratched out with neat lines)none of my fucking business. She also told me about how he told her about our little ..problem... who the fuck hasn't he told?!
Ugh when he said he confided in someone... I was fine with Captain Ta'ea... I wasn't fine with Pepper.. and now Rhio... maybe I should ask him.. but what would be the fucking point... I don't even know if I should be mad at him or not...
Anyways... after speaking with Rhio I did find out somethings about her.. about her feelings for Captain Ta'ea.. If I wasn't so wrapped up in all of this shit I would just change all of the names and write this as my story.. but it is all such a well of ideas, I knew I was on to something when I decided to join up.
I wonder if Oskar knows about Rhio's affections towards Captain Ta'ea.. What the fuck ever, I'm not getting my nose in it.
...What a fucking night...
I think I have a knack for pushing men's buttons... or pushing them to far. I've never seen that side of Koumoru before. I'm not even sure how I should feel about this.. I never expected...
Any of this...
|Wednesday, August 24th, 2011|
There is that worthless feeling. It's back. My place still reeks of mint and it hangs in the air constantly reminding me of my failings. My failings of a person and worst my failings of a woman.
He apologized for what he said.. but the way he said it..
I deserve it.
|Tuesday, August 23rd, 2011|
Maybe it is time I sorted out my feelings for the men I have involved myself in. All of them have things about them that I adore and ... Otherwise. Who would make a good father? Who would care for me? And it is those feelings that are dangerous.. Those feelings that had me useless before.. A pile of worthlessness.
So even with my confusing feelings and my surging emotions I will not allow myself to progress emotionally with any of them.. Hell, I haven't even told Diyne about my uncertainty about being pregnant. I know I am not obligated to tell him but as close as we have been getting... Fuck it.. I shouldn't tell every man I happen to sleep with...
I've already scared off Guns. Well not really.. I guess he meant when he said he said he wanted to be friends and really get to know me... I'm still a bit dubious. He still wants me and it's all so apparent and written all over that stoic face. I can't really say if it would be wise to continue to screw him... If he would let me... But if worst comes to worst and we do end up with a kid... I would rather we not hate each other..
Gunther.. is... I don't know.. He's just... (scratchy writing) I gave him numerous opportunities to turn away and never look back .. But I guess in a sense he is just as stubborn as I am. He turned it back on me offering to raise
our his my
the kid if I didn't want to.. I have never heard of any man offering that... I mean if we were together then maybe this would make sense to me.. But this was just fucking around...
I'm thinking too much about it again.
Koumoru... Sometimes I think it would just be easier if I loved him. He seems to have bad luck with woman much like how I used to have bad luck with men.. That is until I learned to
use them before they use me
not let them into my heart.
I still feel like in a way I am leading him on, and while I don't feel guilty when he sees me with other men... or the passion marks. I feel reasonable for him.. But shit! I didn't do anything to make him fall so hard.. I told him countless times that this was purely physical!
It's not my fault.
Why isn't he answering me?
(Ink is lighter below written much later, handwriting a little shaky)
Well, he's laying in my bed relaxing... I found out why he didn't answer my calls to his pearl all day. It turns out that he got into a little bit of trouble.. with who I do not know.. I just know that it has something to do with the financial trouble with a friend of his, he didn't offer any more details.. but any details are better then none.
As I hovered over him, trying to soothe his pain, trying my best to heal him.. All I could think about was one of the last times I saw Ketenira.. beaten badly.. bruised ..hardly able to breath.. still trying to make jokes...
"Princess, don't you concern yourself with this."
As I rubbed the salves on torso and bandaged his cuts.. I don't know how I didn't just weep... Is Diyne going to disappear from my view just like my brother did with nothing more then a few whispers?
What do I even do?
Press the issue?
I don't know..
Today has been a full day.. Not so much trying.. but full. In the afternoon I joined the Commander and Claus for some work.. I tried wearing chain mail for the first time in my life.. and I am sure I was unbearable. While not miserable.. It was heavy and hot.. Sure I felt more protected but.. I am going to be shit out of luck if I have to run far...
Just as we reached Nophica's Wells I needed a break and verbalized as such. Then there was this Elezan woman who started mouthing off towards me... it just so happens that this was the same woman who was giving me dirty looks before we even left town.
Who the fuck is this chick... did I steal her boyfriend or something?
She's lucky Mtoto was there because I would had gladly let her know about dikey appearance and bad hair. But it is in bad form to get into shouting bouts with your employer present..
After work was done I helped Diyne with his bandages and other things and we parted ways. I soon was met by Midge...
...Midge, Diyne's crazy ex-girlfriend. Now I had saw her yesterday too.. She came to my house in .. quite the get up, while Diyne was in my bed ,,,in the process of my healing him.. I didn't invite her in.. because I didn't know how either one of them would react to each other especially with him laid up like that.
But... she wanted to go out for the tea I promised her.. oh gods the place she took me... dingy little place were the tea tasted like fish.. and I sat there watched Midge eat.. I don't even know what the fuck she was eating but it smelled repulsive.. but I wasn't rude... I held my tongue and we had a nice discussion about her new line of work, I know plenty of depraved men I'll be sure to look though my old address booklet for her.
She seems nice enough... fucking weird.. but nice enough.
Speaking of weird..
Much later in the day I did see and speak to Pepper of all people. She wanted to talk.. so I obliged her. It has been a few days so I was calmer... my blood lust cooled. I figured she wanted to apologize and I would let her... though if she said the wrong thing to me.. I was ready.
Strangest thing about that girl, after she apologizes she instantly offers her skills as a headshrinker of sorts..
Why the fuck did she think I would just roll over and go .."Oh yes Pepper we are simply the best of friends now.. let me tell you all about my deepest darkest secrets.. I will let you unlock my heart."
She wouldn't let it up so I tried to change the subject. I derailed her train of though quite well. Good to know that my charms can even work on women of that persuasion.
Though, she admitted that she wanted Guns... of course that is why she bugged out like she did the other day... This makes things interesting. I have no idea why she would admit something like that to me.. but this situation is way to entertaining to NOT fuck with it.
|Thursday, August 18th, 2011|
Yesterday I spent some time in the office, Miss Eital was there and so was Gunther. He told me about the time that he and Zolku brawled during an exercise in war training... I bet that was a site to see. As Gunther spoke I could see the battle spread out in vivid detail in front of me.. I could even smell the rain and the mud as they raged in what seemed a like a desperate life or death struggle... Both men, pummeling each other... It all sounded so barbaric, but in a sense it triggered something in me, and I could feel my heart quicken with each of his words.
Eital left the office shortly after the story was over leaving Gunther and I alone for a moment. Things seem to be completely okay with him.. he seems, completely fine. I have no idea how the hell can he even do that... That may be what drew me to him in the first place.
I tried to tell him...
I'm not one to mince words but I couldn't.
The verbal tongue lashing I got from Oskar really has me second guessing myself.
Like in my typical fashion, I went out. Diyne and I recently have grown quite close and I found myself in his company. Last night, I did enjoy a interesting evening with him.. which made me realize something about myself that I never knew... A side of myself that I would like to explore a bit more. I do consider him one of my closer friends.. I am doing a really poor job at not sleeping with my male friends.
After a few leves, he and I ended up in Limsa Lomisa to meet up at the Astalicia to celebrate a job well done with Miss Talulah, Xenedra, Zolku and Commander Mtoto. Koumoru was working there that evening, he and Diyne shared a few looks, but really nothing was said. There were a few... unsavory few at the bar.. and I reliase that it is indeed a bar.. but some of those uncouth.. ignorant people almost ruined my time if not from their smell but from the bile spewing from their mouths when they would try to speak... ugh.
These are the poor people who are scum..
As time went by, the celebration lost more and more people. When Xenedra retired for the evening, so did Zolku's smile.. then his good mood.. I really don't even have the patience to dealt with that any more.
As Diyne walked me home that evening we caught the fireworks. The night's sky was clear and the bright colors exploded across the speckled canvas. A fine close to an interesting evening.
(Handwriting is shaky and is written as if she was really baring down on the page)
I am livid.
... I was finally able to speak to Gunther and he asked me about everything I was so chickenshit to tell him.. pretty much.. That was fine, that was totally fine.
What wasn't was the fucking meddling... this unfashionable little bitch with her annoyingly shrill voice.. first .. as soon as Gunther stepped into the damn office she was braying at him that he should talk to me. We did, Captain Ta'ea was gracious enough to let us speak in her office.
We spoke briefly and it looked like we would never sleep with each other again because of the obvious.. and the fact that he seems to be smitten with someone ... probably the twit with the tacky clothes. Which means Gunther has horrible taste... did good with me, but I guess if you eat gruel everyday you might miss it once you get a taste of the finer things.
Plain little Plainsfolk..
Anyways.. as I was about to kiss him for the last time when Eital came bursting into the door with ...her in tow.. flailing around like some sort of blinded idiot.. Exclaiming that I was trying to choke Gunther..
It took that daffy bitch a moment to see what was happening. Gunther closed the door so we could finish our conversation ... but that didn't look like that was going to happen. She starts braying again.. insulting us though the door.. THEN the bitch has nerve to call us out on the Guard's Pearl like that.. over shit she doesn't know about or even understand?!
Did Gunther think I would simply ignore this insult?! ...This plain..ugly girl thought she could just get away with this?!
Even though I see had more I needed to say and ask of Gunther.. I tracked the bitch down, I had full intentions of beating her ass, up and down the Gold Court.. she is LUCKLY that Eital was there.. Cowering behind her... don't let catch her alone.
I just can't believe there is another woman in this world that reminds me so much of my frigid sister... both of their glasses need to be broken by my fists...
I need to take a fucking walk before I do something stupid...
|Wednesday, August 17th, 2011|
I still feel like shit.. I might have to go back to one of those crazy alchemists to ask them if this feeling is normal for so long.. I can deal with it, I just want to be sure that I am not dying or anything like that.. I could just go see a doctor. I should, but I don't want to.
I spoke to Oskar about what I did and the tone of our discussion grew hostile quite quickly. He called me selfish 'Have the child and marry the father.' I thought he would understand that MY life and MY goals come before anyone else's.. Yes.. that makes me selfish. So-fucking-be it.
I still thought he would be able to understand me, I never thought he would get so upset with me like that. What would Gunther say if he knew? Should I even tell him what I did to prevent pregnancy.. would he get upset like Oskar did?
Maybe I'm the heartless one though... trying to discuss terminating or preventing pregnancy to a man who will be a father soon.
Yea, after writing that sentence and looking it over and over. I am a heartless person. I should have talked to Gunther before I did it, and I should tell him... but I don't see myself doing it. I would have to give a damn.
No.. I do give a damn... I'm just scared.. So very scared of what he'll say to me, how he'll treat me... Maybe it will just the the best if I keep my mouth shut. I don't know.
Well Tahrara this is quite the fine mess you gotten yourself into, maybe you should just continue to fuck up, continue to prove your family right about you.