~*~
Well… he didn’t try to intimidate me…  Perhaps, I should refrain from drinking around the man. While nothing major happened, that isn’t in my best interests… I won’t tell Diyne about the course of the conversation.
~*~
 
Well, Valin <strike>isn’t</strike> doesn’t seem like a really bad guy.. he’s just an older… more laid back Diyne.  I don’t think I’ve seen him angry.. not even when Diyne and he, bicker.. just an even  expression..  Like Gunthers… just a bit more smug…
 
I didn’t really talk about the letter I got from Guns.  I was excited to see that I had gotten something from him… but what is this..  It felt more like a progress report.  I guess it really is over… I’ll write him back.. but.. what do I even say?

I miss you?

The last time we met, we, by my suggestion.. fooled around a bit, and while I wasn’t sad when he left the next morning, I was feeling very cold and numb… It was odd to go… completely full circle like that. 

I’m relived… but it still hurts.

~*~

Well, last night was interesting.
Guilt and contentment are battling again.  <strike>Brothers..</strike>

~*~
-Written very, very thickly , like she really bore down on the page-

Why do I continue to bother with him?  Because I am stupid, I am obviously a dunce…  I like having my feelings and emotions toyed around with.  I must be a constant source of entertainment for him.  Fuck me when he’s bored, or if neither one of /them/ are available then laugh at my anger or my pain?  Just a barrel of laughs for his amusement.  I bet that’s all I’ve been to him… nothing more...

–shaky writing- 
Then he has the audacity to judge me and the men I spend time with.  His paramours include a memory, a weird little witch that
isn’t even nice to him, and a clumsy miqote that never even looked his way until she poisoned herself.. not to mention half of TALE with a love potion.  I will not speak ill of the dead.  I never met the woman and I know she had to be someone special.. to help turn his life around..

Midge, Midge Midge Midge Midge …  I hate the fact that she is able to push my buttons the way does and I cannot retaliate,  I will not humor her by getting into a ‘discussion’ with her, where I will get upset, and she just shrugs it off because she enjoys that type of banter.

And .. Aveline…    
 
~*~
 
My heart and my mind cannot take this.
 
 
I don’t even want his commitment,  and I have never offered myself to him exclusively.. so why the man has the power to drive me absolutely insane… I don’t know why...and it’s not fair.  It’s unfair that he gets the option to just float on by.. it’s ways up to me.  Always a hasty apology…  I can never hurt him as much as he hurts me.

But I don’t want to hurt him…

That the last thing I want, even though he… He thinks that I am just lonely, only upset because right now, yes.. there is no one else in my life.. but you know… a third failed engagement would make anyone a little apprehensive about hooking up with even more handsome men.  It’s not a crime to cool off and set back from … all of that.  The most men I juggled at once was five.. and it’s overwhelming, then there was just Gunther, then there was the random encounter with Zolku which made Diyne, and not Gunther flip out.

Who’s sending who mixed signals?

I listened and supported him when he was having trouble with Midge, and I comforted and helped with all the bu;;s!t with Aveline.  All when I didn’t agree with what was going on.  Why?  Why did I listen to him and help him?!  Why did I hold my tongue and be there even though.. a lot of this stuff could be easily solved?!  Not just because I love that idiot’s stupid face.. but because I am his friend… and gods…

he’s the closest thing /I/ have for a best friend. 

He is completely dull if he think I would be okay with talking about my personal problems with Midge present, and the fact is, since he did not dismiss her and yet still expected me to talk to him just proves to me that I would never be the first “on his list”  So why even bother.  Yes, we are casual but… there is always a favorite.  I don’t have to be his favorite.. I just wish he didn’t make it so
fucking apparent that I’m not…